So This is Why People Commit Suicide!

*Image used with permission. Painted by Lilias Trotter, published in "A Blossom in the Desert"

“So this is why people commit suicide", the thought struck me with the force of a lightning bolt and with the same instantaneous flash of illumination. It wasn’t a question to myself, as much as a statement, like the slow dawning of a divine insight! Why did I have that thought? I was being consumed with pain 24/7 and my brain fog constantly felt like a thick blanket, heavy and impenetrable, smothering my mind, my thoughts and my emotions. The slow creep of terror spread throughout me as the magnitude of that opening phrase squeezed my heart and seized my already unsettled mind! Reflecting back on that day, I get the same strange chill sensation that makes you feel so wooden inside.

That moment, frozen and so etched in time as an almost out of body experience. I mean, in my mind's eye, high above my body, I'm watching me, watch my children! My brain registers it's one of those perfectly beautiful days early in the fall season. The sun was intensely bright without a cloud in an exceptionally blue sky. I see myself watching my six year old son, Zack, and my five year old daughter, Kaylee, racing all over our backyard playing superhero tag! Both kids are donned only in capes, underwear and shoes. Super shoes to protect against spiders, scorpions and snakes, oh my! My dynamic duo, with their capes flapping, capes which hold the mystery to their superpowers, are cutout of those old, soft, fleece type infant blankets every parent owns. Kaylee is squealing with delight as her beloved big brother chases her around our backyard and purposely never quite catches up to her.

I remember reflecting on the pure, unfiltered joy projected out of a child’s laughter, a sound uniquely owned only by children. A living sound radiating deep from within them which washes over you and surrounds your soul. My heart swells with love for them then pinches like a vise because I’m not out there with them right now. Normally, I’d be out there running around and acting silly right along with them. I’m not out there. I’m in my bedroom! I was filled with such a mix of emotions: anger, sadness, confusion and hopelessness. I abruptly slam back into my own pain riddled body and my reality screams once more at me, “How is this your life?” “How can I keep making it through each day when all I want to do is peel my skin off!” Once again, I'm in bed, desperately willing my pain and my sheer exhaustion to be something other than utterly excruciating, depleting and mind numbing!

Chronic pain is the great equalizer in life because it has the same impact on everyone with its soul-leaching power and that inescapable shattered and splintered path of destruction through your body and mind until all that remains is the matchstick looking wreckage like a tornado leaves behind. I still remember how disconnected I felt from my body and my mind in that moment. I felt so hopeless! However, Christ used my children in order to set me on a journey to truly understand how to actually (like in “for real-sies,” as my daughter would say) consider it pure joy…whenever [I] face trials of many kinds, because [I] know (not like, but know) that the testing of [my] faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2,3) Be honest, isn’t everyone’s immediate response to that scripture, “I don’t need perseverance THAT bad!” OK, Maybe, my response was in slightly more expressive language (lol)!

I needed to face the fact that this pain could be with me for life so I better figure out how to deeply depend on Christ or I wasn’t going to make it! Just recently, I heard Joni Eareckson-Tada put it this way, “If I’m not going to die then help me to live.” Wow, been there, said that!” Now, I’m convinced Christ hand-picked every detail of that day watching my children so it would be the mind blowing experience it needed to be to wake me up!

How? Christ used the gift of my sweet and playful children to remind me of how much more there really was to lose! If I give up now I only shift my pain to my husband and my kids and leave them to figure out how to live with their pain for the rest of their lives! How do I model belief in Christ in all things if I don’t turn to Him to keep getting through this ordeal? So Christ, used those squeals of laughter and delight-filled fun on that gorgeous day to impell me to push myself into an upright position on my bed.

“You can do this Rhonda, put your hand down on the bed and push up!”, roars inside my own head. I fruitlessly demand my body and mind to cooperate and find a way to engage with my kids! My soul feels crushed! Through gritted teeth, I practically spit out the words, “I do NOT want my children’s memory of me to be as an invalid who’s always in bed!” The ferocity of my own emotions frightens me! Startled by splashes of water hitting my hand, I'm suddenly aware of the tears cascading effortlessly down my face. My whole body seemed incoherently detached from my conscious brain. "How can I stay reliant on You, Jesus, when I can barely comprehend how to survive the next minute of this pain?!" “What am I supposed to do, Lord?”, I plead for the umpteenth time!

God gives us turning points in our lives and this was one of mine. I've re-lived this memory countless times over the years; the shock of such a stark revelation as well as the emotions experienced and the lessons learned. You know the number one lesson I learned? Christ did, then, and continues, now, to get me through every single day! I did survive every minute of such unbearable pain! How did Christ help me cope? First and foremost, I chose life! Choosing life or death is the most fundamental decision to make! Death is not an option to me so I became determined to figure out how to become fully dependent on Christ at a much deeper level than ever before! Once I chose life the next decision was automatically crystal clear, obey His Word and seek Him above all else! Christ IS life! I did what He needed me to do, pour myself into Him and rely only on Him! It's not an exaggeration when I say I read His Word, I studied the Bible, I cried, I humbled myself, I surrendered myself and my circumstances, thousands of times over!

All those years ago, my bitterness was directed more at feeling incapable of simply and permanently willing my mind to accept its limitations of willpower and my incapability to halt the relentless reminders every minute of every day of how helpless I felt to manage this pain. Can't I just stop all these negative and destructive feelings and revolving thoughts of hopelessness from returning once God has shown me my answer? As if that's a realistic expectation! Am I not human after all? Once the lesson's learned, isn't that supposed to be the end of the matter? Besides being totally unrealistic, it's also terribly arrogant to believe all negative feelings would stop when my circumstances were ongoing without end in sight? Should my need for God's help just disappear or be rendered obsolete? Never!

The second lesson was the reminder there is NO promise of escape from or avoidance of trauma and trying times. Instead, Christ promises to deliver us victoriously to the other side! Lilias Trotter's words ring through my brain: "By faith they passed through - not on one side, avoiding the place of difficulty; but through,” along with this accompanying Bible verse:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned’ the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2

Do you see that language - not “if” but “when” the rocky times come! Without doubt that verse highlights we will have multiple trials which might come at the same time or in close succession. I will feel the threat, the fear, the anxiety and the worry but Christ is there to help me pass through to the other side of each crisis. Even the examples used in that verse paint the picture of how treacherous life will feel! Water is a powerful and destructive force which re-shapes and carves through rock! A river might not sweep over me but it sure can sweep me off my feet and send me careening out of control towards an unplanned destination with all types of dangerous terrain along the way! And fire! I don’t need to be burned to flinch from the scorching heat or to watch the flames devour everything precious to me! How quickly we can feel as if all is lost and without hope, but what does Christ promise?

The promise is Christ will be alongside us and we will NOT be destroyed! Granted, I’d personally prefer not to experience any pain of any sort but that’s not reality. I need Christ’s guidance and wisdom to better tackle and navigate life's most painful times. I've re-read Lilias Trotter’s journal compiled in, "A Blossom in the Desert, at least once a year for the past 7 years and that entry never fails to grab me. It always reawakens the same weird mixture of relief and rankling that Christ carries me through as opposed to around my pain.

I also learned my pain and trials are NOT just about me but about how I can help and comfort others through their trials and tribulations. My attitude, my words, my facial expressions and my body language all speak volumes to anybody and everybody around me! The Godly design and outcome for perseverance is wisdom and our full and complete maturity in Christ!: “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God…” (James 1:4 and 5, in part)

My Bible study notes on verse 5 states:

“Wisdom enables one to face trials with “pure joy”. Wisdom is not just acquired information but practical insight with spiritual implications.” Isn’t that awesome? Christ’s goal is to bring us closer to Him so that we are more like Him in all areas of our lives. Christ uses our trials so we can gain wisdom and strength in order to lift someone else up! Pay attention to those verses. Trials develop perseverance and perseverance “must finish its work” so we can be whole, complete and not lacking in anything! What a picture of how deeply Christ loves me and you!

Isn’t love why I set boundaries and discipline my own children so they can navigate all the pitfalls waiting for them? Don’t I work to ensure my children are mature, independent and prepared for adult life? Don’t I use the wisdom I've gained to counsel and comfort my own children? Christ wants me to be spiritually prepared! Christ wants me to unequivocally know that I can get through anything WITH Him! He wants me to be strong! Hardships and trials will always be a part of life and He needs and He wants, me and you, to KNOW we can and will withstand all afflictions and trials!

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-11)

I can attest to the truth of how many people were impacted by what they learned about my journey with pain. Countless times, my husband, my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister-in-law, a friend and even complete strangers would tell me how much I encouraged and strengthened them or someone else! I always felt so dumbfounded but also humbled! I called these comments and stories from others God’s little gold nuggets He’d drop into my life just when I needed it most - even when I didn’t think I needed the boost at all! By boost, I mean, each nugget further strengthened my faith and pushed me to keep fighting! Do you see how Christ works? It's an amazing and overwhelming blessing to connect with another person because of a shared experience. So never give up! Choose Christ. Choose life. Seek Christ first above all else. If you do these things it will build your faith and guide you toward restoration.

“I’ve come to see that through the deepest suffering God has taught me the deepest lessons. And if we trust Him for it we can come to the unshakeable assurance that He’s in charge, He has a loving purpose and He can transform something terrible into something wonderful. Suffering is never for nothing.”

-Elisabeth Elliot